By Renee Van Camp

I will never, ever forget this day as long as I live;
I will take it with me--like a treasure--everywhere I go.

I arrived at the front gate of the Visitor's Center in the early morning hours of a late August Saturday. Not knowing what to expect or how I would react to what this day would bring, I sat in silence in our rental truck with the windows down and just listened. It was as if I was waiting for something, I didn't know what I was waiting for but I was waiting in total silence. Then from out of the hills came this beautiful sound, a bark or a yelp, or was it a growl? It was like nothing I had heard before, very wild yet very beautiful. I wasn't sure what it was but I knew it was them-the wolves that I had traveled so far and waited so long to be close to. From that moment on, I knew I would never be the same.

As I walked up the woodchip path towards the deck, the sound suddenly changed. As if I was being welcomed from far away. I have never heard anything so beautiful in all my life. The wolves were singing their sweet music and the howls were echoing throughout the valley in a way that nearly made my heart stop beating. I have heard wolves howl on tapes and on television, but this was much different. This was a sound like no other, a sound that went all the way through me and stopped at my heart to remain forever. I stood in total silence for a long while just paralyzed by this haunting sound. Then, as quickly as it had started, it was over and the valley fell silent again.

I think it was at this time that I finally realized that my dream was coming true, right there in that beautiful valley, I was actually here and so were they-the wolves that I have cherished for so many years. The pack that I had been longing to see and longing to be close to was just right on the other side of the meadow. As I walked down the boardwalk that parted the flowing grasses, it felt as if I had entered into another world, their world. Everything seemed wild and very sacred. I almost felt as if I was intruding into a world that, as a human, I did not belong. I knew that at this point, I was very close to the wolves and my respect for them was never so great. It was as if I was transforming into a person that I was not totally familiar with but one whom I liked very much. I was following a dream, doing something that I never thought was possible.

As I entered into the shadow of the trees, the ravens warned of my arrival. I made my way around the side of the enclosure. I was not alone. I could sense a very strong presence, but as hard as I strained, I could not see anything yet. Then as I looked away, I caught a shadow from the corner of my eye, I saw movement. Not quite sure if it was the wind or just my imagination, I looked again and there they were. Four or five stunning silhouettes hiding in the trees just on the other side of the enclosure. The pack was watching me, waiting for me. I felt that at that time, they could feel my absolute adoration towards them. I did not feel afraid or threatened, just totally amazed. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I was full of emotion and uncertain what I would do next. With my hand pressed tightly over my mouth and tears streaming down my face, I made my way to the short wooden benches between the fences of the enclosure. This is where my dream became reality. Slowly, as if coming out of a very thick fog, they appeared. Very slowly at first then appearing in groups of two and three until the whole pack was there. I was in a state of total shock and filled to the rim with emotion. I didn't know at that moment if I wanted to laugh or cry or shout at the top of my lungs as to how very fortunate I was, there they were, right there in front of me. I never ever thought I would have the opportunity to be this close to them. I could smell their warmth, hear their breath and see their golden eyes looking at me. They were right there, so close to me. At that moment, I knew that I had a goal, I knew what I was looking for all of these years. This felt so right. I needed the wolves as much as I needed anything else in my life. I needed their closeness, their understanding, and their emotion. It was as if something clicked and I felt like we understood each other. I knew that they could sense how deep my love was for them and I think I could even sense their need for compassion such as mine.

Sitting on the short wooden bench I was watching the most incredible show that I had ever seen. I sat in total silence for hours just watching the pack live out their day in the meadow. Everything I had read about their personalities was showing through clearer than ever. I knew each one by sight but almost more so by the way they interacted with each other. I will never forget the silence when Kamots appeared. He was so stunning and such a regal leader. The respect the others showed to him was unlike any respect I have ever seen in our "human world" relationships. Everything that I had stored in my mind about these wolves was pouring out, and at the same time, I was trying to take in as much as possible and trying to remember every awesome detail of their actions. As Piyip, Ayett, and Motaki showed up, the mood of the pack turned to play. Romping and running through the tall meadow grass, stopping just long enough to catch their breath. To see them so happy and content made me feel as if all was right in the world at this particular time. Rolling over to disturb Kamots, the pups received a long low growl. This growl was different than anything I had ever heard from my dog. So very wild, deep and almost chilling. This was their language, the language of the wolf. They were constantly talking among each other and I knew that each of them understood perfectly.

As I sat there soaking up as much as I possibly could, I counted as they all came up to the enclosure fence. There was Kamots, who was almost always present. He was the first to come up and stare right into my eyes. It was as if I was frozen in time right there on that bench. Looking into those amazing golden eyes, it was almost as if we had an understanding. I knew that at that moment, he knew how much this meant to me, almost as if he welcomed me to be this close to his pack. I felt so honored, as if I had been given the most important invitation of my life. Lakota and Wahotts appeared next, running through the tall grass as if they had been called to come and see. They both came right up to the fence and leaned their huge wild frames towards me. I could hear them panting and feel their excitement. This is what I had dreamed it would be like. They looked so fulfilled and content. Even though they were adult wolves, on this day, they acted more like pups. They were excited and full of energy. It was as if they were drawing my emotions straight from my soul and showing me that they knew how very special they were to me. Then from around the corner of the forest came Amani and Matsi. I recognized Matsi right away by his sweet lightly colored face. His eyes almost seemed to be laughing and I thought I could almost see a smile on his beautiful muzzle. As he breezed in the mood of the pack turned to contentment and ease. It was as if he was the peacemaker and they all respected that. Trying to take all of this in, I almost missed Motomo coming through the trees. As he rounded the corner, he looked at me with those startlingly golden eyes. His eyes were the brightest of all. Or maybe it was his jet black coat that made them stand out. He was absolutely stunning. As he stopped at the fence, he cocked his big broad head to one side and starred at me. It was as if he was trying to read me. For that one second, it almost felt as if I was one of them, as if he could understand exactly what I was feeling at that moment. As Weyekin watched from the hillside she warily made her way to the very edge of the meadow. She would come no closer. She sat right there on her hindquarters and just watched. I kept my eye on her for a very long time and she seemed to be content right where she sat. She wanted to be involved but she wanted to keep her distance. It was amazing, even though she was quite far away, I could feel her presence when she appeared.

There was one wolf left to appear. At that moment she peered from behind one of the evergreens, I knew instantly this was Chemukh. As she made her way out into the meadow, the sunlight hit her black coat and turned her golden highlights into the most beautiful color I have ever seen. Not hesitating at all, she approached the enclosure fence. She stood right in front of me and watched as my emotions poured down my cheeks. Was she worried that I was upset, or could she really tell that her presence was extra special to me? It was Chemukh that I first sponsored and it was she that led me to discovering how much I needed to be close to this pack. She was the one, and she was standing right there as if she waited for the very end to show up to see if I would wait for her. She knew that I would. I could have stayed there forever. As she paced back and forth, she stopped each time to make sure I was watching her. It was in the next few moments that time stood still and I had to remind myself that this really was happening. Chemukh stopped right in front of me, gazing into her beautiful golden eyes, I almost thought she understood my undying love for her. As I was invited down to the fence to be closer to her, I think my heart stopped, I think time stopped at that moment. She was waiting for me to approach the fence and I was waiting for the chance of a lifetime. Then it happened, as I curled my hand under and reached it towards the fence, she accepted me by licking my hand ever so gently. I had to remind myself that this was not a dream, this was actually happening and I was actually right here with the most beautiful animals in the world. It was as if she was letting me know that she understood that this one moment was the single most important moment in my life. Not far behind Chemukh, the pups ran up to the enclosure fence and shared their feelings with me by yelping and whining, as if to tell me that they understood what I was feeling. They were excited, I was certain of that. The excitement heightened at that moment as the male pup, Piyip pointed his muzzle towards the vast sky and let out the sweetest, most wonderfully innocent howl. Just one little noise, I had heard it though and it was apparent that they had heard it as well. The rest of the pack turned towards Kamots as if to get his approval. He gave it. With an incredible display of affection, loyalty, and pack values, they all rallied around each other licking each other's muzzles and sharing their emotions. Then it was as if my dream had come full circle. I was once again listening to the most beautiful song I have ever heard. This is how my day had started with the pack singing their sweet music as if to welcome me to a day in their world, and this is how they chose to end my time with them. It couldn't have been more perfect. With all of the pack gathered together with their muzzles pointed upward, they were singing straight to my heart. This was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. It was as it there were thousand of them out there howling. The noise was so intense and loud but ever so soothing. When you hear a sound as precious as this, it is as if your ears take it in and store it forever for you to recall whenever you need. I will never forget this sound.

In my heart I felt as if this was their farewell song to me. It was time for me to say goodbye and leave this beautiful dream until next time, and I promised myself right there standing in front of them, there will be a next time. As hard as it was for me to turn away and to walk back down the woodchip path, I knew that I had gained so many things from this day. I felt a sense of peace and content in my heart. This day had changed me, softened me to the extent that I would never be the same again. Rounding the corner, away from the enclosure, I couldn't help but stop and look back. There they were all of them watching me as I walked away. Their song had stopped and they were in total silence. Maybe they could tell that my heart was breaking. Oh, I will miss each one of them so much. I told myself that they all knew what I was feeling and I promised them that I would live this dream again. With my heart full of emotion and my head full of memories, I realized that when I left this shadowy forest and crossed back over the boardwalk through the meadow, I would take with me everything that I had just experienced. I would never let go of even one memory of this day. These memories would become sacred to me. As I reached the end of the path, I looked back out across the meadow towards the enclosure. I paused for a moment almost as if I was paralyzed from going any further, my emotions were flooding out, pouring down my face once again. I said my final farewell and turned away and walked in total silence to my car. As I drove away, I spoke very softly to the pack. I thanked them for what they had done for me and promised them, with all my heart, that I would do everything in my power for them. I felt like they understood this and were content with it.

Dedicated to the pack who I began my adventure with on this first day and who I have taken with me ever since, deep inside my heart.

Published in the Wolf Education and Research Center’s Fall 1998 Newsletter
and on their website

Wolf Education and Research Center P.O. Box 217 Winchester, ID 83555 208-924-6960 www.wolfcenter.org